Factual Storytelling Assignment

Hidden Memories of an Untold Moment

"I woke up at about 1am and my bed was covered in blood. It was so awful, I went straight to the bathroom and there was... everything... everywhere. I stayed up all night freaking out. I washed my sheets and just sat there and cried."

Cast your mind back to your teenage years. When did you feel the biggest sense of elation? Of relief? Of freedom? Some would say the first time they drove a car, others the days they moved out of their parent's old house. But most people would say that it was when they graduated high school and started their lives as adults.

For 17-year-old Alicia*, her graduation memories are anything but joyous. Instead, they are filled with uncertainty, a sense of loss, and above all, helplessness. The reason why is that two days after her graduation, Alicia miscarried a baby she didn’t even know she was carrying.

To add to the mental trauma, Alicia was told in her early teenage years that she was incapable of carrying a child. After multiple tests and continuous visits to the doctor in her second year of high school, Alicia was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome and severe blood clots. 

“I was the type of child that would carry around a doll and nurture it as my child,” Alicia confided; “I’ve always known motherhood was in my future and when I was told I couldn’t have kids… I was heartbroken.”

In her senior year, Alicia was prescribed a new contraceptive pill to control the symptoms of her polycystic ovarian syndrome and began to experience slight weight gain, morning sickness, nausea and infections. This led to her missing crucial end-of-year exams and a stressed Alicia did not think to question the origins of her symptoms. Imagine her alarm when she wakes covered in blood two days after graduation.

“The first thing I did the next day was go see Daniel,” she says. “He had no words and I could just see in his face how distraught he was.”

Daniel*, her long term boyfriend, was set to go visit family two days later. Alicia was left to face the doctor’s appointment by herself, in a state of nervousness and distress. The doctor, a man who is trained to handle situations such as these with delicacy, didn’t take into account Alicia’s emotional state and treated her condition with a careless attitude.

“He didn’t seem to care at all what I was going through,” she confessed. “He wasn’t sensitive to the situation or supportive in any way. A pap smear confirmed what had happened and that was it, he saw it as a crisis averted.”

Even after the shock of miscarrying this child, Alicia was left with guilt from her behaviour during the time of her unknown pregnancy. As a young adult in her final year of school, Alicia indulged in vices such as junk food, alcohol and the afore mentioned contraceptive pill. All of these things would have a negative effect on the development of a foetus in a healthy uterus, let alone one suffering the effects of severe polycystic ovarian syndrome.

Alicia felt as though she could confide in neither friends nor family because she felt she could not live up to the high standards both in her schooling and private life if she admitted to being sick. Her family, as well as the majority of her friends, had very idealistic and traditional views on children born out of wedlock. Alicia chose to only confide in two people: Daniel and a close friend. Knowing who to trust in this situation, for Alicia, was near impossible.

In the horrific moment of losing her child in her own home, Alicia began to suspect what had happened and only felt comfortable confiding in Daniel.

“When the doctor confirmed I’d miscarried, I felt like the world had turned on its head,” said Alicia in our interview. “I felt like I’d failed everyone’s expectations of me, and I’d failed Dan and our child. I thought everything was my fault.”

She was affected so badly by the traumatic experience that it took a year to confide in anyone else. Her parents, till this day, still don’t know. Her only support has been Daniel, who has given their relationship all of his strength and patience.

“We love each other,” Alicia says simply. “He’s been my rock through the entire thing.”

Alicia recently celebrated her anniversary with her boyfriend and says children are definitely still in the cards for the future.

“Maybe it’s a good thing that this happened,” says Alicia bravely. “At least now I know that kids are still a possibility for me and I wouldn’t have to go to any further measures.”

*Names have been changed